Here’s something that might sound strange coming from someone who’s spent years in innovation and design: I’m not always empathetic. And neither are you.
There’s this perception in the design world that innovators, designers, and design thinkers are empaths, and that trait is always switched on. People get surprised, sometimes even offended, when you don’t react with the expected level of empathy to every situation. But here’s what I’ve learned from years of doing this work, empathy isn’t a personality trait you either have or don’t have. It’s more like well-rested alertness. It’s a limited resource that, under normal circumstances, replenishes itself daily. And in tense or high-pressure situations, it can remain low, fail to recharge, or get completely spent.
This matters for anyone doing creative or innovation work because unlike analytical skills that you can apply to pretty much any problem, empathy tends to not kick in if your interest isn’t fully present, or if you’re not inclined to solve that particular challenge. In that way, empathy actually helps you screen meaningful tasks, ones aligned with your values, from those lacking it. And being a limited resource, just like your attention or decision-making abilities, once depleted, you’ll experience or portray disconnectedness, aloofness, even bordering on indifferent or rude. It’s normal. Everyone’s human, and each of us has varying limits. Varying because our individual capacities could be wildly different on different days.
Point being, if used wisely, empathy is a handy strength. So how can you use it wisely?
Automate routines and pick your battles. Remember Steve Jobs’ turtleneck shirts? Or the posts about how some folks have multiple sets of the same clothes in the same color for everyday wear? That’s very real from a conserving-your-daily-decision-power perspective. Decision fatigue drains the same mental resources that empathy draws from (figuratively speaking, not biologically!!). So automating routines and telling yourself beforehand that some things aren’t worth fussing over helps you retain your daily empathy reserves.
Take your morning coffee routine. You pick it up from the local cafe every day. It’s just coffee, no biggie. But say one random day, the barista goofs up and doesn’t make it how you like it, despite knowing your order by now. Some people throw a dramatic fit, questioning the barista, going on endlessly about the business they’ve given the cafe, maybe even threatening to take their business elsewhere. All of that saps your empathy reserves for the rest of the day. Now, I’m not talking about people who have that kind of disposition in general and seek a fight at the first chance they get, those folks aren’t particularly empathetic to begin with. This is more for those of you who are generally empathetic but from time to time find yourself losing your cool over something that happens occasionally. Next time, decide not to react. Save that empathy for something that actually matters.
Extend to family and friends the courtesy you give strangers. In certain situations, we tend to be kinder to strangers than we are to the people closest to us. I’ve noticed this in myself, I’ll listen with focused attentiveness to a business inquiry or give thoughtful advice to someone at the next table at a restaurant asking my opinion on a dish. But with family or close friends? Sometimes I’m half-listening, distracted, or quick to dismiss. Use that stranger-courtesy as a benchmark and try to extend it back to the people who matter most. Notice those situations with strangers where you’re inclined to be more polite or go out of your way. Then try doing the same with friends and family you might otherwise take for granted.
When stuck with unwanted tasks, detach and go the extra mile. When you’re obliged or compelled to do tasks for people you know, tasks you don’t particularly enjoy, don’t want to do, or don’t see benefiting you, but don’t have much choice in doing, those can be a massive drain on your limited empathy supply. In such situations, try two things: first, look at the task in isolation, not as an emotional ordeal. Focus on the task devoid of emotion. Second, try going a little over when it comes to effort.
Early in my venture capital days, there was a big conference coming up that our top leadership was attending at a great holiday destination. I wasn’t part of the team going. Barely three days before the event, a senior mentioned we were out of firm brochures and asked if I could get a new set printed. This was outside my general scope as an investment associate, but I took it on. I’d never even seen the brochure before. Someone told me to get three quotes as part of the procurement process, and have the batch ready for the team to take along. The old brochure was plain and simple. Ideally, all I had to do was have the selected design service recreate the same thing and have it printed.
But I wasn’t content with the old design. I spent the next hour sketching a rough concept for what the new brochure could be. I spoke to some design shops, sent them the concept, asked for quotes. One owner of a small design business shared my enthusiasm, so I dropped by his shop after work. Over nearly two hours, he created the new design while I guided him. Given the time constraint, I took the liberty of deciding the details: colours, fonts, everything. And to complicate it, my new design wasn’t a simple folding brochure, it required precision cutting. The design depicted the concept of a relay race, but with business professionals. The smaller top side showed a suited arm holding a baton. And as you opened it, it looked like the runner was taking the baton from a teammate shown on the inner side. Probably not the greatest of analogies, but I was thrilled with how it turned out. After a sample copy on day 2, the shop guy put a rush on the job and got me the few hundred brochures ready on the morning of day 3, giving me enough time to do a quick check, and drop them by the office before the senior execs left for the airport.
It was a non-relevant task presented to me. I could have done the bare minimum, had the designer recreate the old brochure and print it, while grumbling about how my core work would need to be caught up on later. Instead, adding some creativity to it, making the design mine, I got to enjoy the process and the time spent at the tiny design place seeing this come to life. Simply put, there are things outside our control that happen from time to time. The best we can do, as the Marcus Aurelius quote goes, is “Love the hand that fate deals you and play it as your own.”
Remember empathy is about them, not you. If you assume someone needs something and buy it for them, only to realize they don’t use it, you might feel offended by their ‘ingratitude.’ But that’s empathy focused on your feelings, not theirs. What if instead you resisted the urge to buy what you presume is the solution, and instead dug deeper into understanding what truly is the challenge they face? You might be able to offer them a more relevant solution, one that might not even cost as much but would be far more effective than yielding to the impulse to fix a problem before even fully understanding it.
Empathy is essential for innovation and creative problem-solving. But treating it like an infinite resource sets you up for burnout and resentment. Treat it like the valuable, finite capacity it is, conserve it where it doesn’t matter, deploy it where it does, and you’ll find yourself not just more empathetic when it counts, but also more effective at the work that requires it.